I went to court the other morning trying to collect child support. Evil-X was there already, noxious fumes rising from its blubber laden hull. Not the expected brimstone fumes, but the stench of stale cigarettes and fat old woman sweat and cheap perfume.
She had spent four hundred dollars on a shyster.
Is there anyone who hasn't signed in? the bailiff outside the courtroom asked. I went up and spoke to them. They still hadn't corrected the screwup the State's Attorney had made. She'll call you, I was told.
Nobody called me. The judge was at his bench, and I went in.
There was a huge black man standing before the judge. Apparently this fellow was unemployed and hadn't been paying his child support.
He said Look, Judge, I gots no problem with child support.
Yes, you do, the judge replied. You may not have a problem with the idea of child support, but you do have a problem with actually paying it.
There was some nearly subaudible back and forth between the judge and the large man standing before him, when the judge said Do you think this is a joke, Mister Johnson?
Mr. Johnson replied quietly, too quiet to hear. The judge repeated, I'll ask you again, Mr. Johnson, very firmly, Do you think this is a joke??
I gots no fuckin' money! Johnson replied. You gonna sent me to jail?
Would you like me to cite you for contempt, Mr. Johnson?
Fuck you, motherfucker! Gasps and giggles from the gallery...
Contempt of court! the judge ordered. Take him to jail.
Fuck you! Johnson added rather stupidly.
That's two the judge said.
Fuck you! Eat shit cocksucker!
Kiss my big black ass, motherfucker. Fuck you!
Suck my dick bitch!
By the time he got to eight, Mr. Johnson was being led out in handcuffs. The judge shook his head in wonder. This was more entertaining than a TV courtroom drama, for sure.
Another black man came in through the door Mr. Johnson left through, wearing Sangamon County's black and gray striped jail uniform. I always thought prison stripes were only in cartoons, but I guess this is Springfield.
Apparently this fellow had run afoul of the judge before, ignoring a court order or something. Or maybe he, too, had called the judge a motherfucker. If so, this time he was respectful towards the judge, who asked him if he was employed.
What kind of work do you do, Mr. Black?
I'm a cook, sir.
I think he got out of jail, but I'm not sure as the State's Attorney's staff finally got around to talking to me. We need a little further information. I walked out in the hall with her.
It seems Evil-X had stupidly lied to her lawyer, who was under the impression that she lived with my older daughter and was supporting her. I informed the State Attorney lawyer, who was representing me on the taxpayer's dime, that no, X had moved in with her boyfriend and my oldest daughter was living alone, and was being supported by SSI.
I went back in and sat down as a white fellow was explaining to the judge that he was unemployed. Didn't you list... the judge looked at a piece of paper, your children as dependents on your unemployment claim?
The SA lawyer came over and whispered to me that he's going to ask the judge for a continuance, and I'm going to object. Did you have to take off work today? I answered in the affirmative.
Evil-X's lawyer and the SA went to the bench. More mumbling between the lawyers and the judge, and the judge announced I'm granting a continuance. You will be here on December second and you will both be prepared. Am I understood?
I was given a document with the new court date, and drove back to work. Fortunately for me, I had the presence of mind not to curse at the judge. Indeed, one should respect a judge, because you can most definitely go to jail for the crime of gross stupidity.
Now I have another worry. If X gets in front of the judge and perjures herself and the judge sends her to jail, both of my kids will be pissed off at me. As evil and stupid as the bitch is, I wouldn't put it past her.